There off, and where better to start than a report on trail conditions. The going, as they say in bookmakers the length and breadth of the country, was officialy good to firm and out to enjoy the spring sunshine were some fine fillies, Dawn, Kaff & Hannah, a string of fine stallions in James, Richie, Simon & Lorenzo, some thoroughbreds in Mal, Sam & Sparky, new rider Borja, who by his own admission, worships donkeys, Ian, who had a mare the whole ride and Me, a clapped out carthorse all set for the glue factory.

We headed up Pole Hill in preparation for the now customary whizz round the race training loop. Glenn joined us as we topped the climb and led by a flying Simon it was go, go, go. We completed lap one and found that the majority of the group were scattered to all corners with Kaff who was a bit under the weather, somehow ending up at Bury Road from where she gave in to her ailments and retired.

Through The Graveyard, to No Name Corner and then out via Duncan's log to Fairmead Road for the climb up to meet Pat at High Beech. From there we headed out past the Conservation Centre and onto the nice rooty trail to the crossing of ENR at The Drop-off. After climbing up to the path to The Bombholes, Hannah decided to return home and the rest of us rode through to Clay Ride and onto Omar's Race Track which too close together as we were, was great fun. Worse climb of the day was definitely the drag up the grass from Baldwins Pond and to then follow that with the climb up to Goldings Hill was a bit cruel but hey, no pain no gain.

From the rope swing drop-off we headed fast onto the downhill to the bottom of Indian Summer where impatience got the better of me and I ended up stacking it in a big puddle, making a nice mess of my shin. Some people will never learn!

We climbed up through the ferns to Jacks Hill and then rode the whole length of The Ridges before crossing Epping High Road and following the trail through the pines back to the gates of Copped Hall.

Turning off Lodge Rd we then did a great bit of off piste, disturbing a small herd of deer, down to the bridleway towards Woodridden Hill. We crossed the road and headed to Big View and the trail past Mecca and back to High Beech where after a quick loop of the track at Wellington Hill we headed toward Bradley's and our lunch stop where we were joined by a very casual looking Felons, who'd spent the morning at a Toys R Us festival with Charlie.

Lunch over and with Dawn (18T) in need of a loo stop we headed north again to The Double Logs, out through Wake Valley car park and onto the trail towards Old Orleans with James showing us two or maybe three times how not to tackle the halfway log ride. At Old Orleans we crossed the roundabout into Deershelter Plain and headed at speed down to The Boggy Valley, a great bit of trail.

Heading for home we rode the W, Stream Logs and V before crossing ENR again where up on the bridle path I had my second puncture of the day (both split at the valve).

From there we skirted High Beech, rode the Church trails and then onto a quick descent of Lippets which was dusty dry.

At the bottom of the hill I departed to the car park and the rest rode the trails into the back of Connaught and back to the car park.

The debrief was livened up by the comedy arrival of Sze who had to be assisted into the SH after her day out scumming with Tommy. We were later joined by The Mods, Michael and Steve who arrived just in time for the 6pm sambuca round (so wrong) to salute Pat's impending 50th. I hear it was a late one.

2011-03-21Surrey Hill’s ride report

What a day we had, epic, springs to mind.

13 of us eventually set off from Westcott at 11am (so much for our early start!) Dawn, Johno, Barry, James, Hannah, Ollie, Simon, Sam, FBC, Andy (Swinley guru), plus 2 locals Stuart and Ray.

The ride starts with a flattish 4 or 5 miles along a bridal path, James is instantly frustrated by this boring bit and I try to calm him with talk of what’s to come. He’s also worried by being on a single-speed (my mind wanders to the gruelling climbs) “you’ll be fine” I reassure him (gulp).

First casualty is Dawns freehub body, clonk: look no drive! Hmm, a bad start as we haven’t even really started yet. We’re close to Holmbury where we are meeting Jules and Jason, so a cunning plan is hatched. Jason and I drive back to get Ollie’s bike (he’s riding my remedy) which is in the back of Johno’s lovely van. Z4 roof down blue sky country lane, tractor towing slurry filled trailer, sweet. Return journey, following Z4 down narrow country lane, slippy road car coming brakes locked, in-coming arse end of Z4! Phew that was close.

Back in Holmbury, Sam is waiting with his rear mech ripped off. Lucky Barry’s roscoe hanger is the same. Quick fix and we’re off, that’s me, Jules, Jason and Sam. We’re meeting the others further on so some catching up to do. Climbing Holmbury is a long slog, I prefer to get off the fireroad and head up a narrower winding track (longer though), towards the top we enter a swooping singletrack section that leads to a lesser ridden trail that Stuart showed me last week. This bit is loose and loamy with soft berms and a lovely flow. Eventually we end up at the woodyard and the start of one of this areas best known trails: Barry know’s best (Jules comments that our Barry won’t be happy: best would be a bridal path descent, not a fast twisty turny, swooping singletrack with roots and humps and berms, the lot ) At the bottom there’s an extra bit that finishes with a drop off onto the road. Thud! Jason over the bars hits the tarmac, ouch. Cup of tea in Peaslake should sort that wrist out I’m thinking.

In Peaslake we meet the others who have either ridden Pitch hill already or have stuffed their faces with cake. Stuart and Ray, with other stuff in their lives, rather than the MBRo35’s just keep on riding approach, have to peel off. The rest of us head back up the Pitch hill climb, FBC is like a runaway train and powers to the top. We all check out the view at the top and then drop down a techy decent before getting a bit lost. Jules to the rescue, we follow a cool trail to the bottom that has everyone buzzing.

Time to climb again and it’s a toughy , right back up to the Top Of Holmbury Hill. After quite a wait Hannah appears, she’s not exactly 100%, with her heart racing at 100mph. (A slightly worrying reoccurring ailment, she needs a shorts break, don’t want this to be the day I literally killed an over35, although judging Ollie’s face he may beat her to it ).

We stop for a snack at the viewpoint. Comments are made about my riding regime, defensively I reply with I just want to get us back before dark. Jules thinks this is hilarious, with her finger firmly pressed on the tempting fate button. Johno and I chuck ourselves down a mental gully with a crazy alpine descent. We then have to push up a near vertical mountaineer trail, his wails could be heard for miles around.
We all set off for a blast down yoghurt pots, followed by a high speed telegraph run, finished with another sweeping switchback singletrack piece of heaven.

We’re back at the Holmbury car park; I should have foreseen the mutiny and avoided this place, but too late: Jules, Jason, Simon, Dawn and Andy have cracked. After a minor strop, with talk of group bonding and tears in my eyes, I’ve got Dawn back on board. 20 mins later, after yet another cruel climb we stop for a re-group. Can’t believe my eyes; Jules appears, she’s back-on. Love it, the group thing, the shared experience, the joy, the pain; sticking together is what makes this so good.

We’re at the bottom of Leith Hill and I like the ‘interesting’ way up (sorry everyone). At the tower everyone admits it was a fun way up. Now it’s time for a fun descent starting with a steep drop, more twisty stuff and hang-on, CRACK, Barry’s broken his Roscoe swingarm . Oh the joys of unpaid warranty work! After pointing him in the right direction (the plough pub for a stiff drink) we continue down past Deliverance trail onto Summer lightning. Ollie James Hannah Dawn and Sam take the wrong fork and go down Summer frightening (a fun more DH route with a not so fun climb back up, oops!)

Onwards, the final descent along the wire fence that takes you down to Westcott, it’s a fun trail that finishes with a flat out gully section with a couple of rooty drops, we blast down it and everyone’s smiles tell the story. We are back in Westcott, I’ve got a sneaky ‘one last climb’ up to the church when “STOP”, Johno’s rear wheel has eaten his 2 month old xtr rear mech. Another one bites the dust.

15 started 6 finished; I hope I’m not getting a bad reputation

Well done to everyone, I really enjoy sharing this shit

Author: Martin (Bike Trax)

11.02 am. Call from Madge to ascertain my whereabouts. Alright love..keep your helmet on..I'm on my way. Control issues to be examined later on the couch.

Im greeted on this glorious day by a frisky stable of riders and their steeds, including Madge, Kaff, Ronnie, Pat, Michael, and Jamie. All Aldi(d)up and chomping on the bit, we decide to do a Pole Hill loop while waiting for Tommy. Someone should tell him that Moscow is only a four hour flight away. The task of leading is then somehow thrust into my (in)capable hands. Pat's not interested and everyone else wants a chat. Given that Spontaneous is my middle name alongside Mary, I decide upon a voyage of exploration and discovery. Madge and Kaff's requests of "No Hills please" are selectively ignored.

After picking TT up, we set off up Butlers Hill and then hit the sludge on Warren Hill. There's another climb up to the Buckhurst hill cricket ground. After weaving our way along the nice little single track to Manor Road, we again climb up the single track to mount Maiden's bottom where Pat has a technical. I can't tell you what it is because its too technical.

Whilst we catch our breath, the ladies admire some amazonian male athletes going through their paces. Purely in the interests of science, we marvel at their tonned torsos and towering height. Deep breath and on we go...more single track to Earl's Path (road). Kaff has a little tumble for no apparent reason. We navigate a new path up to Sze's Bridge (I think). Instead of crossing it, we again navigate a newish steep forest track to Boudica's encampment. So far there have been no tetchy descents...infact no descents to speak of. Onwards and upwards as they say.

Over to Carl's for a nice cuppa and slice of Battenburg in the sunshine. Pat contemplates his Zero Karma rating; whether its because he's a social outcast or he's just plain boring. Meanwhile Tommy sends Simon a "wish you were here" text about tea and cake. News is then received that our brother and(sister) radsters in Surrey Hills are having a bit of mare. Where is Joules??

Off again and we make our way to the double logs. The ladies nail the logs. Over to the Wake Arms, and eventually to the Four Logs.

Do we stop for lunch? No way! Jamie and Madge are gnawing on cheesie things and custard creams. We ride to the fork Handles corner (I think) and descend (hurrah) to Theydon Bois. Up the long hill (boo hiss) to a road. New cross country route through the leaves and eventually to Jack's Hill. We veer off to the left and take the steep incline where Michael insists on doing his crazy stunts. New path forging and then TT has a technical. Don't ask me what it is because it's too techincal. He's able to ride so we climb up to Boudica's encampment (again).

Its 3.15 pm and the group have hit a blood sugar low. I try to reassure them that we're 5 minutes from Bradleys. Madge is having none of it and insists on taking the Epping New Road to Bradleys. Moody!

The rest of us, minus TT and Ronnie who decide to take the bridle paths for health and safety reasons, weave our way to Bradleys via the Ups and the Downs. We bump into Miles and Wendy who regale us with their exploits on St Paddy's Day. After lunch, the ten of us ride back to the car park where Ronnie finds that some real life FBC has blocked him in.

As we are also a social club, it would be amiss of me not to refer to some of the hot topics of debate and deconstruction on the ride:
1) God TV - by Madge
2) Jehovah's witnesses - by Madge again
3) Jellied Eels
4) Ananalie's dating issues - obviously by Madge
5) The art of constructive criticism
6) Crabs - both Madge and I confirmed we'd never had them. Silence from some quarters though.
7) Childhood antics - Ronnie used to eat dogfood.

The best story of the day came from Kaff - about the man who accidently cut off his wife's head with the hedge strimmer .....

Sir Issac Newton's law that what must go up must come down didn't seem to apply to the ride...I don't know where the downhills went. I blame it on climate change.

It wasn't the best of rides, nor the worst (Madge's 12 minuter is fixed in MBR's annals) but everyone seemed happy and smiley at the end. I would like to say a special thank you to Pat who was a consistent presence up my rear...in his own words giving me guidance and reassurance.

Leading is great fun but rather demanding. Big shouts of respect and whooping noises to Miles, Steve and Dawn who do it all year round.

By the way - did anyone see the Moon on Saturday night. It was gorgeous. For the nerds, it was the closest to the earth in 18 years! 220,000 miles.

Adieu